Crimson Blood-Jaded Veins

2006-09-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Changes.Sacrifice.Procastinate

ok..first thing first..no one understand what in the werld am i talking about

Changes basically is about ermm..changes..how people change..period or permanent, and how i will change in the future. well i guess i wont change, i dont like changes in my life, not becoz i'm scared of it or anything, its bcoz i've TRIED. and it failed. ALOT of times. so i grew tired of changes..grew tired of watching people change, for the better or worst, it doesnt matter. when u change..ur a completely diff person..COMPLETELY. people start to talk about you, judge you, criticize you, still, for the better or worst, it doesnt matter. and again when u change, u will start to shed away all those things which u use to do in the past and move ahead w/o a second doubt. thats a problem, u forget n u ignore, people around you? yes. your loved ones? sometimes..n u start to contradict urself..thats another problem..that's what happened to me..

Sacrifice. self-sacrifice is the issue here. u do something for someone else, and no one appreciate what u do or did. things which u haf to do n u dun like it in other to gain something for others. thats one way of saying sacrifice. its sickening sometimes. its heart breaking most of the time. but u'll haf the "just" reward. n hopefully its worth it. its like i buy a piece of cake, iwant to share it wif my brother, wants him to be happy, but he say he wanted all of it, well, i give in, a mere sacrifice..but its worth it if he's happy..it doesnt make sense..but hey, alot of things happened in this world doesnt make sense..

Procastinate. procastination is often a dangerous game..its like dabbling in something which u already know u shouldnt but u still do it. Its the same as playing Ouija board. a cancerous cell which sticks in your soul like glue. and the result usually ends up with u loosing..no one wins anything from procastination...yet i still do it..cancerous indeed. coz it'll spread at u from young, and unless u cleanse it out, u'll bring it to ur grave..

haha..see i'm lafing. After some half shit talk about senseless thing, i laf? that's a symptom of my maniacal dillusional..

all in all..i am stress..of alot of things(who doesnt?) , so i guess i want to shut myself up..

adieu

2006-09-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

Humans

Sometimes human beings are very much like bees. Bees are fiercely protective of their hive, so we know, provided you are outside it. Once you're in, the workers sort of assume that itmust have been cleared by management and take no notice; various freeloading insects have evolved a melifluous(yeh,get that)existence because of this very fact. Humans act the same way.

2006-08-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

Of Timpani and Berceuse

Chopin is known for his elaborate nocturne.
Do you knw who Chopin is?
I tell ya, he is a composer, a not so prominent one.

You see, bout his music, the artistry of being able to hypnotize those who listen to his melody is well considered to me a stroke of genius (he DID you know). I never put myself hearing musical symphony to a liking, but this one is exceptional.

Another reason for my infatuation towards his musical score is the fact that he can pierce through one's emotion; fear and hatred, all of this in which he incorporated into his fine musical piece. Tho there are some elements of waltz adagio riffed lightly behind the alluring vivacious tempo of his score which makes it sound like a funeral party :)

To sum it all up, Chopin was a wonderful composer who wrote number of begatelles. Most commonly cited as the Sleeping Master, Chopin will surely be in my list of artistic masters of the modern classic musical industry.

p.s: to those who dont have any idea what on gods earth am i talking about, plz dun give a damn. it's just me expressing passionate rantings on my latest self-indulging fervor.

Adieu

bewildered

2006-08-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

today is not a good day.

I dont understand her. Why did she say such things?
Am i at fault? Is something wrong?

Did i make a mistake?

well surely i dont. seriously, i am worried..whats wrong a'rusy?

anyway..life is getting harder and harder, i juz found out that if i were to go to Visual Comm, i would have to score at least a C for one subject and the rest should be B and above. DAmn. Thats hard.

In NAFA, u dun score juz by reading books and memorising text, hmm, come to think of it, u dun haf to open a book at all!! it all boils down to ur "creativity","hard work" and how u see things differently. So the MAIN problem rite now is that time is ticking, final projects are piling, and my creative touches deteriorating...

You either score becoz the assessor likes your work, or u haf a picasso's brain, or its juz plain luck, so how to make someone whom i don noe..likes my work? to stick on the format and guidelines given is like waiting for a flock of sheeps entering a pigsty..IT NEVER ENDS!!

But to take a short cut, and ask some seniors to help u out( or probably give out their previous first year work to me) will be considered cheating so dat ones out.

To over emphasize on the subject given is a risky thing, if u can present well..perhaps u can score..but wth..(why am i typing "u" instead of "i"??)

S&%!..this is getting nowhere..see min, even updating blogs is stressing enuf.

Rite now, my ind is thinking two things...A'rusy and NAFA..and currently both actions are bewildering me.yah rite.like any of u guys catch my drift.

dats all
sayonara

updating

2006-08-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Ok..i get it min..
the reason why i am not updating this blog that fast is becoz of 1. Tiredness, 2. Stress ( for my school final project work.) 3. More stress!! 4. Depressed (erm..this one is bcoz of people around me has a Digital SLR).

Apart from the aforementioned reasons and excuses (which doesnt quite make a lot of sense), i am actually restraining myself from spending too much time infront of the monitor mainly becoz 1. It reminds me of my sweetheart 2. waiting for frens at Cairo to log in the internet 3. i haf alot of school assignments to do!!!

well thats all for today
short but not quite simple

wida'an

2006-08-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

hiya guys

i spent like 3 hours on editing, posting and publishing my blog. You can say that i'm doing a whole make over. yes finally! i knw how to change the background, add new template and create my own slide show on the internet. Jiun, this stupid fren of yours finally knw how to work out the HTML!

Actually Jiun, i'm not that oblivious to this HTML thngy, i DID study it when i was in secondary school ok. Its juz that i forgt about it, and that i hate HTML coz its very boring and frustrating at times..unless ur a computer geek. Anyway thnx for the help dude!(tho i feel like ur assistance is juz like 10% only,huahuahuahua).

Anyway, my blog rite now has a new look and a new image(ceh). i swear to myself that i will be taking visual com in year2 coz i am so effing jelez of the people who design the blog skin on the net.but the problem is i am still confuse as to what sub i am gonna majoring in. Well the best think to do rite now is not to think..

hmmm..A'rusy, i gt ur mail already, hmm..u knw wat, i was reading ur blog to see ur updates but then i was so compelled to watch ur slide show that i started to feel sad again. Oh well, y must thngs like this happen to me? your pictures..its alot..and it brings back a lot of memories..i feel sad..really

rite now, the one thing that i miss most is the presence of my best friendS. perhaps all of my frens at Cairo. Their jokes, stories and actions still echoes in my every night sleep. I am starting to think that it wont go away. NOt for now.

well then

thats all for today
sayonara

Untitled

2006-08-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Do any of u guys know that the word untitled is always link to artist? bcoz artist are 'supposed' to be eccentric and half-wacko and that when they finish their artwork normally they wun noe wat to call it and in the end they'll just label it untitled..juz like that..Mother Earth really chunked out some weird homo sapiens in a millenia or two huh..
Actually that is not the point coz i was about to tell ya guys about what happen today..
I went to wafi's house juz to hangout with him since his whole family is in KL( and i dun have anyone to hangout with), after an hour or two..we decided to watch some movie..a malay movie to be precise..its called "see you di IPT"..
Wafi kept telling me how sad the show is..and that everytime he watch it he wuld definitely cry..
At first, when i saw it, i dun feel like sad or anything coz the first half of the show is full of stiff, boring, uncompelling plus idiotic act by the cast except for one..the protagonist of the show..he can act..but ONLY him..
So after a gruelling hour of the 1st disc,we finally move on to the second one..aahhhaaaa..this is where the melodramatic-tragedy part enters..and i tell ya it was so effing sad..i cant help it..i cried, wafi cried (again), and salam (who was with us also but i forgot to tell u guys on the first paragraph) also cried(well it was his CD after all)...
YEs, men are supposed to be rational instead of emotional, but What makes me cry is not becoz of the convincing emotional act but instead, the background sound which actually composed for a dead fren..suddenly i was pull back to the time when i lost my best fren..arwah salim..THAT made me cried..and apart from that, i was also reminded that to treasure a frenship is a must, and that u may never noe when will ur fren leave u..for GOOD.

well thats all
sayonara

...bankai yaro!!

2006-08-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

1hmmm..how should i put it, in my prolong sentiment of grief, i haf finally found a cure..period.
hehe..i am relieve to say that i am getting calmer and more stable. This is bcoz of some help, and the heart to move on, away from misery.
Anyway..i am quite happpy rite now. The reason is bcoz i get to talk to my best fren and let it all out, the disgusting sorrowful emotion...bla bla bla..
I wonder what they are doing?
hopefully enjoying themselves..well they'd better be!!!
weekends is always boring, when u broke a toe and hve difficulty in walking a few steps, u'd think that thats the end of your life..well it should be like that coz u cant walk at all..and that sucks big time..i cant watch movies..go shopping..or even hang-out with my 'leftover' frens...hehehe..sry bout that..no hard feelings..coz the fact is we ARE the left overs..isnt it rite guys? they are like sun tanning their skin off besides a gargantuan pyramid while we're here sitting ducks like a stoner who had just taken subutex for breakfast,lunch and dinner..huahuahua..yah ok i am exagerating plus over dramatic so i guess i should stop.
its been 9 day plus since i parted with her...i still miss her..always will be..

koko ni jane

question unanswered

2006-08-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

hi there..

hmm..my third posting shall be about the same topic..my unwading feelings of discontent.
about what?
mainly its becoz of i'm scared..scared of something,its been a while but i feel insecurity within me..yah..believe it or not..a guy, to haf such feelings..is scary,plus weird..
not to say that i dont trust anyone..its juz dat rite now..i started to think more on fate..u know..the 'what if' thngy, correct, wat if something wrng were to happen here..or there? how am i suppose to react?
second, i'm afraid, afraid that changes might occur within the people i knw, no matter how i deny it, i can guarantee myself that i will see changes..in times to come..of what? i dunno..hopefully it is something at least pleasing for me to look, and digest, and comprehend..

-questions unanswered-

well dats all
koko ni jane

boohoo

2006-08-15T08:27:00.001-07:00

hi there..voidless being
ermm..i'm kinda cool rite now tho sometimes the feelings come..but i learn to cope with it..like i said..life has to move on..
let me share some stories to you guys out there..my sweetheart accidentally msg my moms handphone and my parents read it..it could haf been ok since the first and second message was just telling me of her situation there..but then there came the third and i could say a killer msg..
the text msg wrote.."ayang,are you there?"
my first reaction was dat.."i'm dead"
serious..from that day onwards..which was yesterday,my parents have been giving me the cold shoulders..darn
anyway,i dun take it that hard, and i'm cool with it, i'm not angry at my sweetheart..at all..
i just wanna say that i love you and miss you so much. everytime when i go back from sch..i keep reminding myself the time when i ask you to chill out with me..
its so sad you know..knowing that everytime i pass by simei..i have to say to myself that your not here..

well dats all
koko ni jane

boohoo

2006-08-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

Beginnig of a New Wait

2006-08-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

Correct.
I begin my blog with a woeful state.
I begin my blog with sorrow beyond measure.
I fear that one day i will consume myself..
of crimson blood and jaded veins..

12th August 2006..
the day i realized how important closed one is..
i never knew that their depart will cause me grief so strong it weakens my heart..
but then again..i knw that this is juz for a moment. that a day or two will suffice,to completely forget..what must be forgotten, in order to live life back as normal again..
but then again..this heart still weep..this heart will always wait..

no matter how cruelly vindictive life can be..u know that at the far end..something good will happen..god is fair..yes i know..

so then i shall embrace this moment, embrace it i shall..for time does not wait for me..i will move and i will sway..so that in the end, i can be what i want to be..and make others proud..i will

koko ni jane